What about unanswered prayers?

The Pilgrimage of Grief by Andrew Bauman “The wailing of broken hearts is the doorway to God” —Rumi, 13th Century Poet/Mystic Do you ever feel like you are walking through life with no skin on? When everything hurts. Your entire body tenderized. People’s words feel like arrows as you hobble along not knowing if you can endure one more blow. Death feels like the best option and yet hopeless because you are already living death. Loneliness and exhaustion become your food, your stomach tying knots around those knots. I have only felt the futility of death so poignantly a few times in my life. I have tried different modes of coping, whether a cacophony of addictions or contempt and violence toward myself. If making myself the villain didn’t work (it never does) I would just project it onto others as an attempt to make my heartache less painful. I have tried zoning out in front of the TV, endless games of Scrabble and chess (okay, Candy Crush too) on my iPhone. They all numb me for moments, but none actually mend what is broken inside. Yet over the past couple years I have tried a new approach, which is to feel. To touch, smell, see, taste, and hear the fullness of loss. At times the weight is so heavy on my chest that my bones bend and my heart rips in ache. This is the impression of death and its tumultuous outpouring, the stage of acute grief. When you lose big, when you courageously risk, put your love on the line, and end up empty-handed and confused. The problem then lies in the unconscious vow we make in light of the pain. We vow to play safe, to remain isolated, love half-heartedly, never going all in again. The drawback with this vow is that joy and grief are on a continuum. If you never allow yourself to feel the pain of loss, the betrayal of hope, you will certainly not feel the depth of true joy. Grief serves as a shovel for the soul. It digs, mines, and excavates painfully, at times violently. Grief digs to make space for deep delight to enter those vacant spaces. This is the posture of vulnerability; it is both terrifying and stirring, and a prerequisite for a broken heart and full life. We see an example of this in the scripture. In Acts 7:54, Steven is about to be stoned to death by the Sanhedrin, when “He looked up to heaven and saw the glory of God.” In the midst of Steven’s most gruesome death, the glory/joy of God was on him. Steven had the courage to enter death and thus experience a soulful resurrection. Suffering and joy are never far apart and always parallel in the journey of a Christ follower. The Apostle Paul reminds us of the same in Romans 8:17: “We share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory.” To heal from heartache we must follow our Savior’s example, asking us to invite the brutality of the crucifixion, which is an invitation to enter into our own death stories. This is Good Friday, the weeping, anguish, and devastation of a love lost. When we give ourselves permission know the texture of our own agony, rather than trying to escape it. Then comes Holy Saturday, when we must taste the obesity of death, allowing ourselves to sit with the unknown darkness, with futility and powerlessness. To continue mourning and feeling the pain that comes with losing someone or something that you were most loyal to. Finally—yes, finally—comes Resurrection Sunday. We savor the wonders of our rebirth. We are humbled, exhausted, and relieved, as we learn to rest in the wonder of a holy miracle. When we are in Friday we can’t see Saturday. When we are in Saturday we don’t know if Sunday will ever be true. When Sunday comes, we are fully aware of the goodness and joy, yet never losing sight of the fallen world in which we live. We are called to live into the tension of all three days, moving in and out of each, and living honestly into both grief and joy. Truly our wailing hearts are the doorway to God. Andrew Bauman is a licensed mental health counselor. He holds a Master of Arts in Counseling Psychology from The Seattle School of Theology & Psychology and is currently working on his Doctorate degree from Northeastern University. He is a Fellow at The Allender Center. Andrew is married to Christy Bauman, who is also a therapist. Andrew Bauman | June 18, 2015 at 8:00 am | Categories: Teaching Staff, Theology, Trauma | URL: http://wp.me/p2wC6z-1AH

6 Gifts Kids Need From Their Fathers

I’m a dad. I’m also a son. And it occurred to me recently that there are certain things that kids need from their dads. In fact, as I pondered the whole idea of fatherhood, I recall several examples in the Bible of “dad gifts” that were passed on to children. I think any dad would benefit from considering these, and if you didn’t get these from your dad, or your child doesn’t have a dad who gives them, there’s a pleasant surprise for you at the end of this article.

I’m Scott Turansky, the son of John Turansky. My dad did a great job of passing these six gifts to me. I’m so grateful for his commitment to fatherhood and the example he gave me as I entered parenthood myself. Here are six things from God’s Word that kids need from their dads.

1) The Blessing 

In the Old Testament we see examples of dads blessing their sons. Jacob tricked his father into giving him the blessing that was to go to his brother Esau and in Genesis 27:34, Esau cries out, “Bless me—me too, my father!” … Bless me, too!” Both boys wanted the blessing of their father. 

Hudson, Josh, John, Scott and Hayden Turansky

Dads have an important gift they pass on to their kids. It’s the affirmation that I believe in you and that your future is something to look forward to. When a dad makes statements of affirmation and a positive anticipation of the future, it helps kids face even the most difficult challenges ahead. 

God has given dads significant power that provides something important for a child’s sense of well-being and growth. Look for ways to regularly express a blessing to your child. You might say things like, “I can tell you’re going to be a great mom someday,” or “With that kind of attitude someone’s going to love having you work for them.”

2) Correction

Yes, correction is part of the job. It’s not an interruption to life. Rather, correction is one of the ways that God teaches us, and dads are an important part of that process. Hebrews 12:7 says, “Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as his children. For what children are not disciplined by their father?” 

Sometimes dads have to put the pressure on in order to help their kids develop character. It’s important to note the difference between pressure and harshness. The pressure can make a person stronger. Harshness damages relationship. As you correct your kids, remember that the goal of correction is positive. It’s not about justice. It’s about training and growth. Kids may not appreciate it at times, but it’s part of life and correction is a way that dads show that they love their kids and want their best.

Maybe the next time you see your child acting out or doing the wrong thing you want to say to yourself, “Oh good! An opportunity for discipleship!” That positive attitude about correction can go a long way to help kids move forward in life.

3) Delight

When dads delight in their kids, something happens deep inside the heart. Even if the whole world is a challenge, the fact that dad believes in you can go a long way to help a child persevere. If we look at Jesus himself, about to start his public ministry, we see his Father’s affirmation of him. At Jesus’ baptism, Mark 1:11 says, “And a voice came from heaven: “You are my Son, whom I love; with you I am well pleased.”

The Father was delighted with the Son. What do you enjoy about your child? Sometimes kids have positive qualities that are misused and parents can become focused on the irritations. But looking past the messiness to see a child who is laid back or past the anger to a child who is emotionally sensitive can bring new delight into the parent/child relationship. 

Kids still need correction, but we’ve covered that point already. They also need to see delight in their father’s eyes.

4) Spiritual Nurture

Sometimes parents think that just praying before meals or taking their kids to church somehow transfers the faith to their children. But spiritual growth is best passed through intentional training. Ephesians 6:4 tells dads in particular, “Bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.”

God knew that there’s something important about a dad’s spiritual leadership in a child’s life. When Dad says, “I’ll pray for you about that,” or shares a spiritual truth he’s learning, kids take notice. 

In some ways, passing the faith on to kids is like driver education. There’s the bookwork learned in the classroom, but the behind-the-wheel experience is also important. That’s where all the bookwork is put into practice. Dads teach their kids how to handle emotions under pressure, how to trust God for an upcoming challenge, and how to have integrity in touch situations. Kids need spiritual training and dads have an important opportunity and responsibility in this area of a child’s life.

5) Compassion

Some qualities are often considered female qualities. Compassion is one of them. You sometimes think of Mom saying to a child who has fallen and is crying, “Come over here and I’ll give you a hug.” Dads are usually viewed as the ones that say, “You’re not hurt. Get up and try again.” Certainly, God uses both dads and moms in those ways to help children grow.

However, we must pause and consider 2 Corinthians 1:3, “Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort.” Those are interesting traits of a father: compassion and comfort.

Fathers are often tough, authoritative, and firm, but there is a time for comfort and compassion. Empathizing with a child’s pain and holding a child who is hurting are significant gifts given to a child by Dad. Sometimes a compassionate word can propel a child forward to continue on to fight the challenges of life.


6) Care

When dads take notice of the little things, they show that they love their kids. Care is the application of love to the details of life. Dads love their kids and one of the greatest ways to demonstrate it is to take notice of the details in a child’s life. 

After all, that’s what our heavenly Father models for us. Notice the care in the details mentioned in Matthew 10:29-30, “Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground outside your Father’s care. And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. So don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.”

Do you know what your child’s favorites are: favorite color, subject at school, clothes, food, or sport? That’s just the beginning of the details you might consider. You might not count your child’s hairs but you could count the teeth they’ve lost or the number of friends they have on facebook. Remember that attention to detail shows that you care.

Kids need specific things from their dads. The power of a father in a child’s life can’t be underestimated. Amazing things happen inside a child’s heart when a dad shares these “father gifts” with his kids.

But what if you didn’t have a dad, or the one you had didn’t give you what you needed? The good news is that God has an app for that. He adopts us into his family when we trust Jesus as our Lord and Savior. Just go back through the six things above and notice how God does each of those things for us. 

No parent is perfect. Dads always make mistakes. All children need a father presence in their hearts. God knows all that. He designed us. So, one of the greatest gifts we dads can give to our kids is to introduce them to their heavenly Father and encourage that relationship that meets all the inner fatherly needs we all have.

Can you think of other biblical examples of gifts that fathers can give to their kids?

Scott Turansky is the pastor of Calvary Chapel Living Hope and the co-founder of the National Center for Biblical Parenting. He and his wife Carrie have five children and four grandchildren and live in New Jersey. You can learn more about him and resources for your family atbiblicalparenting.org.

The Father Factor – Dick S. Forbes, MA

If you are one of those Dads that answers the bell everyday and does your best to instill in your children honesty, faith, courage, integrity, humility, perseverance, then I say to you: “God Bless you. “

We have a crisis on our hands that I believe is our nation’s worst social crisis. According to the U.S. Census Bureau, 24 million children in America — one out of every three — live in biological father-absent homes. Nine in ten American parents agree this is a “crisis.” But the hope lies in the fact that children with involved fathers do better across every measure of child well-being than their peers in father-absent homes.

I have listed some research below that is very alarming. Read what the research has found:

In a study examining father involvement with 134 children of adolescent mothers over the first 10 years of life, researchers found that father-child contact was associated with better socio-emotional and academic functioning. The results indicated that children with more involved fathers experienced fewer behavioral problems and scored higher on reading achievement. This study showed the significance of the role of fathers in the lives of at-risk children, even in case of nonresident fathers.

Journal of Family Psychology, 20, 468- 476.

Children in father-absent homes are almost four times more likely to be poor. In 2011, 12 percent of children in married-couple families were living in poverty, compared to 44 percent of children in mother-only families.

 U.S. Census Bureau, Children’s Living Arrangements and Characteristics: March 2011, Table C8. Washington D.C.: 2011.

Data from three waves of the Fragile Families Study (N= 2,111) was used to examine the prevalence and effects of mothers’ relationship changes between birth and age 3 on their children’s well being. Children born to single mothers show higher levels of aggressive behavior than children born to married mothers. Living in a single-mother household is equivalent to experiencing 5.25 partnership transitions.

Journal of Marriage and Family, 69, 1065-1083.

Infant mortality rates are 1.8 times higher for infants of unmarried mothers than for married mothers.

National Vital Statistics Reports, Vol. 48, No. 12. Hyattsville, MD: National Center for Health Statistics, 2000.

Even after controlling for income, youths in father-absent households still had significantly higher odds of incarceration than those in mother-father families. Youths who never had a father in the household experienced the highest odds.

Journal of Research on Adolescence 14 (September 2004): 369-397.

A study of 109 juvenile offenders indicated that family structure significantly predicts delinquency.

Journal of Youth and Adolescence 29 (August 2000): 467-478.

Being raised by a single mother raises the risk of teen pregnancy, marrying with less than a high school degree, and forming a marriage where both partners have less than a high school degree.

Journal of Family Issues 25 (January 2004): 86-111.

A study using data from the Fragile Families and Child Wellbeing Study revealed that in many cases the absence of a biological father contributes to increased risk of child maltreatment. The results suggest that Child Protective Services (CPS) agencies have some justification in viewing the presence of a social father as increasing children’s risk of abuse and neglect. It is believed that in families with a non-biological (social) father figure, there is a higher risk of abuse and neglect to children, despite the social father living in the household or only dating the mother.

 “CPS Involvement in Families with Social Fathers.” Fragile Families Research Brief No.46. Princeton, NJ and New York, NY: Bendheim-Thomas Center for Research on Child Wellbeing and Social Indicators Survey Center, 2010.

Even after controlling for community context, there is significantly more drug use among children who do not live with their mother and father.

Journal of Marriage and Family 64 (May 2002): 314-330.

The National Longitudinal Survey of Youth found that obese children are more likely to live in father-absent homes than are non-obese children.

National Longitudinal Survey of Youth.

Father involvement in schools is associated with the higher likelihood of a student getting mostly A’s. This was true for fathers in biological parent families, for stepfathers, and for fathers heading single-parent families.

U.S. Department of Education, National Center for Education Statistics, 2001.

I am encouraged to know there are some good men out there doing the right thing as a father. To you fathers who need to do the right thing, step up, break the cycle and be a Dad!

HAPPY FATHERS DAY!

Dick Forbes can be reached at 770.386.0608 or Email: dsforbes@bellsouth.net www.forbescounseling.com

A Father’s Prayer

For Jessica and Rebecca

A daddy thinks about his girls,

And who they’ll someday be;

And where they’ll go, and who they’ll meet

Before Eternity.

What they’ll do, and who they’ll wed,

Are questions now, you see.

But bigger question this than those,

Can this depend on me?

I’m thinking now of years gone by

Of fun and games and toys.

Of grade school days, birthdays, and trips

With other girls and boys.

But now we’re in a different time,

Of which I’m not so sure….

We’re daily shaping lives and dreams

And dad feels… insecure.

For, lo, these girls are ladies now,

These tots have turned to teens!

How do we guide to paths of life,

And direct past dangers unseen?

Dear, Lord, this Father’s prayer is plain,

Fumbled, poor, almost sad.

How can You do this task SO BIG

With such a TINY dad?

I know You are the “Red Sea God”

The Water-Walking One.

I’ve read the stories in Your Word

Of all the things You’ve done.

But can You fix a daddy’s heart

To not mess up his girls’??

Can You make him (who fails so much)

Able for the biggest job in the world?

I mean no disrespect, dear Lord,

Nor doubt of You, Divine.

It’s just so much that I goof up!!

Perhaps I need a sign…

That He who guided Peter’s feet

Across a water-way,

And made a donkey speak out loud

To one who’d gone astray,

Can give me wisdom, love, and sight,

To shepherd these great “seed”;

To change from being what I’ve been,

Into the dad they need!

So daily now, I pledge to You,

And them, to seek Your face

To follow hard upon Your steps,

And find strength in Your grace.

My prayer is that they’ll see me change;

From day to day, improve.

That they can know I’m trying hard

And they can sense my love.

But I will trust that You will work,

And finish this great task,.

And daily will I thank You, Lord!

This humble prayer, I ask.

© 5/31/02     770-548-3020

Tom B. Bandy   tbandy523@comcast.net

When Thales of Miletus, one of the sages of ancient Greece, was asked, “What is difficult?” he is said to have replied, “To know yourself.”

Many of us live in denial, but we keep asking the same old questions, “Why does this keep happening to me?” “Why do I end up frustrated and stuck in the same situation?”   Until you know yourself, your strengths and weaknesses, it will be difficult to move forward and get unstuck. Success will only happen at a superficial level until you decide to change.

The first step to knowing my self is get out of denial. As Thales suggested, knowing me is no easy task because we resist it. “I really don’t want to know what’s wrong with me.” We tend to think everything is fine no matter what. The Grateful Dead said it best: “When life looks like easy street, there is danger at your door.” When you get too comfortable at the top, look out below.

The problem continues to be that we fool ourselves. Denial is blissful. About 150 years after Thales, Socrates came along and reminded his audience that “self-deception is the worst thing of all.” Before him, the prophet Jeremiah had said, “The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it?” (Jeremiah 17:9), and he offered a lament: “I know, O LORD, that the way of man is not in himself, that it is not in man who walks to direct his steps” (Jeremiah 10:23). In other words, we can’t even trust our own minds, because the human mind is incapable of seeing things in a completely honest, straightforward manner. We hide things from ourselves.

Humility is what works for overcoming the denial of what we want to see. It allows me to face the reality of who I am. A humble heart and mind set lets me make changes about how life is working for me. I can admit to myself and others that I am not perfect. I am able to come to terms with my weakness.  When this happens we get better, and we become real and authentic people. We make a difference in this world that is looking for authentic people. Education professor Howard Gardner concluded that “extraordinary individuals stand out in the extent to which they reflect—often explicitly—on the events of their lives, large as well as small.”

The more I know myself the more I can understand how I relate to the world and how the world relates to me. I do believe that understanding myself gives me a greater appreciation for the challenges that other face. The result is a world view that allows us to treat others as we want to be treated and to love others as we love ourselves.

Dick Forbes can be reached at 770.386.0608 or Email: dsforbes@bellsouth.net

http://www.forbescounseling.com

There is a 100% chance that His Sovereignty will be Suitable, Satisfactory, and Sufficient for my day.

The Queen of Sheba thought Solomon’s servants were blessed to be able to work for him, and to hear his wisdom. How much more should we consider ourselves blessed to stand before and work for the Lord, and hear the wisdom from His Word, and from His Spirit!
I Kings 10: 8 How blessed are your men, how blessed are these your servants who stand before you continually and hear your wisdom. 9 Blessed be the Lord your God who delighted in you to set you on the throne of Israel; because the Lord loved Israel forever, therefore He made you king, to do justice and righteousness.”

If we don’t have a good two year plan of what we want to do for the Kingdom, who we want to become, what we’re asking Him to do through us, there’s a high likelihood we don’t have much of a plan for the next two months, either. (Scripture memory, new ministry, reading, building friendships, etc.) And probably the next time we have two free hours, we’ll end up not being very pleased with how we spent that time. Two years is made up of lots of two hours. And lots of two hours, determines the next two years.