Why Won’t your Adult Child or Spouse Get a Job?
You’ve have tried everything under the sun to get your adult child/spouse to get a job and have some independence, why won’t they? You have used logic, reason, ultimatums, bargaining and begging to no avail. You have spent money on education, training, wardrobe and still they want to remain financially dependent.
So what’s up?
Many adults still harbor the childish wish to be taken care of. The wish to be taken care of is natural. We all have had those thoughts.
Except that your adult child/spouse isn’t a child. They are adults who refuse to grow up in this respect. You hear all kinds of excuses, “I haven’t found the right job,(when several offers have been made), I don’t have time to look (I might miss an Oprah episode). Adults with a modicum of intelligence aren’t happy in this role. Healthy adults do not like being stuck in this place. In fact, healthy adults are doing everything they can to get out of this place.
This childish idea to be taken care of, or even better, a sense of entitlement breeds resentment and anger in you and also in the adult non worker. You are resentful because you are shouldering the financial burden and they feel resentment because they are having to grow up and do away with the childish ideas. Crazy, isn’t it? This is called hostile dependent. No matter how powerful the childish wish for security is, THEY ARE AN ADULT.
The funny thing is, they will claim how independent they are. They have not moved on from adolescent development and end up resenting the dependency yet all the while declaring how grownup and independent they have become. They must give up this fantasy thinking that the world is magical and their greatness will be discovered by the right employer and come begging for them to work for this company.
The truth is this; to be independent is hard work and facing true independence (not the pseudo-independence of the child who screams “I don’t need anything from you” right before they storm out of your house and drive to their friend in the car you pay for) is frightening.
Why is it important that we work?
It builds confidence. It fosters independence. We are more interesting people. We give mare than lip service to hard work and education.
Being on your own and standing on your own two feet can be scary, but it’s a developmental necessity. It’s called being an adult and a grownup.
Dick Forbes can be reached at 770.386.0608 or Email: dsforbes@bellsouth.net
#dickforbes
wwwbandyman 